Ko te kai a te rangatira, he kōrero
The sustenance of chiefs is words
Module Objectives:
- Analyse conflict resolution styles
- Apply conflict resolution strategies
- Utilise de-escalation techniques
- Reflect on conflict management
Conflict Resolution
Leaders are commonly judged on how they manage a conflict or crisis. Module 5 takes a closer look at conflict resolution with the goal of equipping leaders with a framework and specific strategies to best respond to and resolve conflict.
Below is the Thomas-Kilmann model of the five different categories of conflict resolution, as well as their advantages and disadvantages.
- Avoiding
Someone who uses a strategy of “avoiding” mostly tries to ignore or sidestep the conflict, hoping it will resolve itself or dissipate.
- Accommodating
Using the strategy of “accommodating” to resolve conflict essentially involves taking steps to satisfy the other party’s concerns or demands at the expense of your own needs or desires.
- Compromising
The strategy of “compromising” involves finding an acceptable resolution that will partly, but not entirely, satisfy the concerns of all parties involved.
- Competing
Someone who uses the conflict resolution strategy of “competing” tries to satisfy their own desires at the expense of the other parties involved.
- Collaborating
Using “collaborating” involves finding a solution that entirely satisfies the concerns of all involved parties.
To choose the best conflict resolution method in any given situation, you need to consider several factors, such as:
- How important your desires are.
- The impact on you or others if your desires are not served.
- The consequences of choosing to be more assertive.
- Whether a collaborative or cooperative solution exists.
Glad – Sad – Sure Model
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_npBvxspnSQ
Task: Due 16th May 9am
Describe a recent scenario where there was a conflict and frame up the de-escalation and resolution of this using the Glad – Sad – Sure Model (video above).
Example Response: Toni (fictitious name) misplaced his iPad on Friday afternoon. First thing on Monday morning an agitated parent arrives in your workspace/class just before the bell, full of accusations and demanding the missing iPad be replaced. I am glad… I am sad… I am sure…
Helpful Thoughts:
- Listen effectively.
- Identify specific points of disagreement.
- Express your own needs clearly.
- View conflict as an opportunity for growth.
- Focus on specific issues without generalising or escalating the situation.
- Keep accurate records of timing, interactions and correspondence.
- Following up is critical to ensure lasting resolution.
Whilst it is important to always keep the ‘issue’ not the person at the centre of the decision making process, it is important to note that we are often dealing with deeply personal belief systems and worldviews. Therefore, we must never lose sight of the fact that everyone is someone’s son or daughter, mother or father, uncle or aunty, etc. each deserving our respect and dignity throughout the process.
37 Responses
I used the Sad – Glad- Sure -technique in recent a situation with a dominant student and it worked well.
This student came to me with a list of concerns about her “Market Day Team”. She felt she was doing all the work and that her team mates were a risk to her business day success. She was quite upset and it turned out she had done a lot of work but had been more the controller and the other team mates had checked out because the felt she had changed a lot of the work they had done and made final decisions.
Conflict IS learning!
I assured her I was sad to hear of the conflict within the group, glad she had brought this to my attention and sure she and her team could work it out with my help.
She seemed pleased to be heard. I tried a coaching method and she identified a couple of appropriate options to help solve the situation and fingers crossed they make it through Market Day happily.
That’s great Fleur. They will learn so much more by working it out for themselves but you still made the student feel heard and valued. You will be pleased when market day is over!
Kia ora Fleur,
I agree that conflict is learning, and I guess learning can be tough. I am really pleased for you that your tamaiti was heard- that is so important- and so great that she was able to solve the problem herself (with your support).
Mahi pai!
Damian
I had a child whose parent was quite a scary helicopter parent and did not want to take on board that her child was not always perfect, and I along with other collegues had a couple of run ins with her. One day her child was rocking on a chair at a high table, like kitchen bench height. She fell off backward and hit the back of her head, but at the time she was also holding the front of her head which I did think was odd but didnt really think much of it.
The next day mum came storming in ready to have a go at me and straight away I apologised for not letting her know about the accident and I told her waht had happened. Her child had gone home with a mark on the front of her head and had told mum that someone had hit her.
So it was tricky navigating the fact that the daughter had told a lie and mum was a bit of a hot head, but I think the fact that I told her I was sorry de-escalated her anger, and I realised that she had rocked back then forward hitiing the front of her head hence the mark.
Using the Gad – Sad- Sure model I could have approached the situation with:
I am glad you came in as I am sorry I forgot to inform you about the accident yesterday. 🙂
I am sad that she went home and told you that, maybe she thought she would get in trouble for rocking on the furniture. 🙁
I am sure that in future she will be more careful and I will be sure to let you know if anything like this happens again. 🙂
That was a good example to use Celeste. I think we have all lost count of the number of parents we have seen very embarrassed when their children have lied and they have chosen to support without question. Your response sounded as if it would do the trick though.
Tau kē, Celeste! It can be difficult to keep up with all communications of incidents with parents. I think it was brave and excellent you acknowledged the communication and incident, while also recognising student motivation (not wanting to get in trouble for rocking) to de-escalate a tricky parent.
This incident is not necessarily recent but has had a lasting impact on me.
I was a beginning teacher, first year, and had taken over the management of netball at my kura. I was thrown into the deep end and did not have much support or guidance through the process, but I did my best. At the end of the year, I was asked to choose the senior netball sports trophies. There were about 6 of them. I felt out of my depth and went to the previous netball manager for support, since she has done this role for many years before. She and I, since I did also coach this team for a term, decided on the awards.
A few weeks later, the grandmother of one of the players who also happened to be my release teacher and previous coach cced myself, the head of sports and principal in an email stating her disapproval of our choices and how she should have had a say since she had coached these girls for years and quite obviously stated that her moko should win MVP.
I had a chat with the head of sports, principal and previous head of netball and they were in agreeance with my choices and also stated that the trophies had already been sent to have names engraved. It is also worth noting that that the child in question was receiving an award for attack.
This decision was passed on to the grandmother and colleague.
A few days later, she stormed into my classroom. Said what a horrible person I was for not consulting her and blaming me for the whole situation. She then proceeded to go to the principal’s office and say how she needed to leave work due to me being horrible. I then had a chat with the principal, and he did not lay blame on me and sympathised with me. It is also worth stating that during the confrontation, I did my best to stay calm, and I explained that in no way did I deliberately exclude her from decision-making, and I chose who I felt was the best candidate for the year in question.
If I could go back and use the Glad-Sad-Sure model, it would be something like:
Hey xxx, I am so glad that you have come to speak to me about this and I feel that it is best we have a chat in person. I am sad that I did not consult with you during the decision process and I am still learning how to do this role effectively and the specifics of it. I am sure that yyy knows what an amazing player she is, and that she will not miss out getting an award because she is talented player.
I love having practical tips I can use, and I do love this model and will definitely use it in the future.
That must have been really upsetting Kayleigh. It would have been really triggering to be accused of not acting professionally when you went out of your way to be fair and transparent unfortunately where people’s family’s are concerned you can expect push back. Your planned response is good and ultimately you just have to hold your head up.
I am quite fortunate that as time has gone, myself and this teacher have since put our differences aside and are amicable.
Nice response, parents can be so emotional when their tamariki are invoved. I am sure she would of gone away feeling confident that she had been heard.🙂
That sounds like an unnecessarily tricky situation, and nobody should be speaking to anybody like that (horrible, sheesh). Your hypothetical response sounds great and I hope you can store that away in case you need to use it in the future for real. Tau kē!
I have had to have a “hard” conversation with a whānau member when their moko went home at the end of the day saying that he was bullied in the classroom by a reliever. This parent is a frequent visitor to my class and brings concerns about her child often.
I noticed around 830am on a Tuesday morning, Mum was walking with what I would say “staunch” and at pace. Reading her body language I knew there was something wrong. I asked my Kaiawhina to remain in class and if I was not back by 9am to begin our usual morning routine. From there I met her in the corridor and greeted her son first by saying Mōrena J can you please do your pēke kura, me pouaka kai, inu wai and I will be back shortly I just want to see your māmā. I then quickly turned and said, Kia ora M I am hoping you are well, would you like to come and have a cuppa and kōrero as I see there is something on your mind. This quickly de-escalated mum and she said abruptly “yes”. As we were walking she began telling me what she was annoyed about. Her language began to be rather “colourful”. I paused and said, M I can hear in your voice that you are upset but I would like to let you know that your language can not be used here at kura, I would like to give you the privacy and respect that you deserve as soon as we get our cuppa. M quickly apologised and we went to another room with our drinks. As we were making our drinks together I asked her how her pēpē was and that he is growing so quick. I also asked her how her Pāpā was as I knew he had been recovering from illness and said to please pass on my best wishes for his recovery. Once we were settled I asked her to tell me what was on her mind. Her son went home and told Mum that he had to sit in class throughout all of paramanawa (play time) because he was naughty and mean. I said to her I am sorry to hear this and I find this usual from our reliever, please give me to the end of the day so I can get to the bottom of what you have explained. I asked when will be the best time to ring her, which was before 5pm. I then asked if she was happy to wait all day until I rang. I offered her another time, 1pm as this was our lunch time but I said I can not promise you this will happen. M said “oh Kōkā Lisa kei te pai I know you are busy, 5pm is all good”. She thanked me for listening and for the coffee. I thanked her for coming in, letting me know and for allowing me to give her privacy so we could talk.
When I rang her back, I explained what had happened. Her son did not complete his work, he was asked three times and he refused. He had about five minutes of work left so he was asked to stay behind at the beginning of paramanawa. He completed his work and then went out to play. Mums reply was, the little S…. I knew he must have been lying but I got so worked up because he was so upset. You wait until I get off the phone. I asked if she could have a kōrero with J around our values of manaakitanga and that he can explain it really well and to remind him about being pono (honest/true) as he knows what this means and displays most times when at kura.
I thanked her for taking the phone call. M mentioned that she had passed my wishes onto her Pāpā and she said he smiled and said Kōkā Lisa is one of the good ones. It filled up my cup that was almost empty at that hour of the day.
Arohamai, I went down a rabbit hole with this.
My take away from the Glad, Sad, Sure
I am glad you have come to see me about your son.
I am sad that this has been on your mind since yesterday.
I am sure that we can come to a resolution so that J can continue to come to school happy.
Oh Lisa. I loved going down your rabbit hole with you, Glad, Sad, Sure is a scaffold that people can use when they are less sure about what makes people tick. Life’s experience which you have is also like a scaffold that you can build on. You used your radar and great interpersonal skills to turn the whole situation around.Well done!
You handled the situation with such grace and mana Lisa. I often find that the truth is often mislead when children take stories and how nice would it be if whānau asked before accusing because most times there is a logical explanation.
Tēnā koe e hoa,
From what I read, you automatically integrated a de-escalation model into your practise, including (skilfully) reading body language. Sharing a cup of tea and asking about the pēpē really does help to put you and whānau on the same page and personalise your interaction. Parents need to be heard, and once they are heard, they can hear you. You sound like we can learn from you and how you do things. So, ka rawe mo tau awhi o tau tauira, sounds like your kura is lucky to have you.
I well remember my most intimidating parent-teacher interview. Following some emails back and forth with a mother about a student receiving extra support in class and me liaising with and providing resources for their private tutor, including emails to my HoD and senior leadership, our positions were already established – I was unwilling to deal directly with the private tutor. I think the mother came to the interview to try and bully more from me because I was a new teacher and an easier target than my HoD. Throughout the interview the mother leant across the desk towards me so that we were uncomfortably close even though I was leaning back in my chair, she made veiled threats about making a complaint about me, she dropped into the conversation about how important she was because she worked at the university and she had a PhD, and she smiled sarcastically throughout. I adopted a defensive position, smiling back at her and I repeated my earlier position, emphasising that I had consulted with my HoD and my position was a joint decision.
While I think I did ok in this situation, following the Glad-Sad-Sure method could have helped. Instead of being immediately defensive, I could have said, “I was hoping you’d come tonight so that we can talk more about supporting your child’s learning. I too am concerned about your child’s progress and I’m sure we can further investigate all of the support options available.”
Replacing Glad and Sad above feels more authentic for me, so I hope I haven’t lost the gist of it.
Following this interview I reflected that the mother probably had very limited numeracy skills herself and may have felt quite vulnerable in these conversations and that may have been why she was being so agressive and keen for me to deal directly with the private tutor, and I could have been more accommodating without significant impact on me.
But you handled it which was great. In all likelihood’s you are quite correct about her numeracy skills. My HoD Maths used to say , ‘what is it about Maths? No mother says actually I can’t read to the English teacher yet every second mother c,aims to be terrible about Maths’. You are quite right, she was being a bully and I think you learnt in the playground how to deal with them. It’s a matter of convincing yourself that you are in charge and all over this!
Tēnā koe, Richard, that sounds like a tricky interaction with a “difficult” parent, but you were well-prepared and held your space. Your reflection and rewording using glad- sad- etc was great and reminds us that we can look back to prepare ourselves for the future. Ka rawe e hoa!
In my roles at school I have encountered many incidents where staff or whānau are upset. The most valuable strategy I have found is to pause and listen. In many situations people just want to be heard.
I was interested in the five different categories of conflict resolution mentioned at the top of this page. I can see that I am often using the “accommodating” strategy to resolve conflict, often at the expense of my own needs. This related to something I noted in the Glad, Sad and Sure video where the presenter talked about being careful not to over promise. Something I may tend to do, and again this can be at the expense of my own needs.
I had a recent conversation with another staff member about her frustration over the behaviour of students at Breakfast Club. I was offering solutions and she replied that she was not feeling psychologically safe as I was not listening to her.
Glad…sad…sure…
I am glad you brought this to my attention. I am sad that the behaviour is challenging and there is not consistency in staff expectations. I will bring this up at GB. It sounds like we need to revisit our Breakfast Club Kaupapa. I am sure with everyone present we will be able to come up consistent expectations for staff and students.
Given the person you are, that comment from the teacher must have absolutely blindsided you. We never know from one day to the next what’s going to happen do we. There is a temptation in your role to want to solve things when in fact the teacher doesn’t so mush want it solved as just the chance to let off steam. Either way your response was great.
Kia ora Kim, I appreciate you raised the point of looking after yourself (ourselves). This is a really important aspect of leadership, because it is so easy to look after everybody else and cater to their needs, whereas they can cater to their needs. It’s great the staff member was able to use their psychological safety tools to talk to you about being heard, and your glad-etc response sounds excellent.
One situation that I have recently been involved in was with the reliever that is in my class on a Tuesday as I only work 4 days. Since she has been working in my class there has been a noticeable shift in my students behaviour and the way my teacher aids work. I always found on a Wednesday it was like I was having to reset everyone. I spoke to her about it and she said that one student in particular pushes her buttons and that she finds it hard to be in a class that isn’t hers. One technique I was taught and did use in this situation was to begin the reply with “I understand you are feeling………” and then summarise her thoughts back to her before discussing why following the student’s behaviour plan and class routines is important for consistency across the school week with all students and staff.
Looking at the Glad….Sad…Sure…. approach I see this could have helped by saying “I’m glad you have shared that you find the students behaviour to be pushing your buttons and I am sad that you don’t feel you have a place not having your own class….I’m sure if we sit down together and look at the planning of a Tuesday that we can find strategies to make the day easier for both you and the students.
That’s a tricky situation Jade. On the one hand there’s relief that you have someone to look after your class but on the other hand you are having to do a lot of setting on your return. It sounds as if your active listening has done the trick but using Glad, Sad, Sure would work well too. As a teacher I hated other people ‘mucking around’ with my kids so can imagine your frustration.
Thanks Geraldine, it definitely is hard to come back into class when someone else has been in there. Previously I have been blessed to have amazing relievers that follow the plan 100% and are very similar to me so there was no resettling to do, it was almost like I was never there. It can be frustrating when you put all this hard work into support plans, programs, consistency etc and then literally in 24hrs it can be done. Although the actively listening is something I feel needed in any situation and did help, I wonder whether the glad, sad, sure approach may have opened us up to a larger brainstorming conversation that potentially looked the non negotiables that had to be done like following specific students behaviour plans but then what could be added or included to work with what the reliever had to offer.
It’s interesting because in this situation I kind of see you as her boss. She needs to do what you need her to do. Has she ever had the chance to see you in operations so she can see how it can work?
Oh wow I actually never thought about it like that. As this was going to be a regular cover due to me working on 4 days she was placed in my class for a full two weeks at the beginning of the year to see how I run the class. We were also given time for me to go through the students individual plans. My team leader was very supportive towards helping me through this, but in the end we rejuggled the timetable and moved activities that were really not being managed well like swimming and sensory room to days when I was in the class. This was definitely not ideal but my team leader said we needed to think of the stress that was on the students and make it basically better for them. My team leader said she would use this as a focus for the other teacher’s growth cycle.
As a new entrant teacher, I regularly welcome whānau into the classroom, especially during school visits for tamariki. I prioritise building strong relationships with whānau and ensure they know I’m available by being present in the classroom each morning at drop-off and again at pick-up time, even when I’m on CRT. This consistency helps foster open communication and trust.
While most interactions have been positive, I have experienced a moment of conflict. On one occasion, a whānau member entered the classroom abruptly just before the start of the day, upset about a change in her child’s reading group. She spoke to me in an unfair tone, with other children and parents present. I calmly reminded her of the timing and offered to meet after school for a proper discussion. She declined and left abruptly. While challenging, the situation reinforced the importance of maintaining professionalism, setting boundaries, and protecting a safe learning environment.
Looking back, I can see how using the Glad–Sad–Sure approach might have helped de-escalate the moment. I could have said, “I’m glad you’ve come in to talk about your daughter’s learning. I’m sad that you’re feeling upset right now, and I want to make sure we can have a proper conversation. I’m sure if we meet after school, we can work through this together.” This approach might have helped acknowledge her concern while also setting a respectful tone and clear boundary.
An incident such as you have described has the capacity to ruin your whole day doesn’t it. There are so many families dealing with intolerable stress right now and even the most mundane things can be triggering can’t they. It’s also upsetting when the other akonga and parents are listening too. The approach that you have described sounds great Lauren.
Responding to upset or angry whānau is not my favourite part of the job especially if they approach you out of the blue before school in the classroom. I encourage whānau to check in with me if they are unsure about anything and try and stop small issues become big issues. This is supported by building and maintaining positive relationships with whānau so everyone feels comfortable communicating with each other – this works both ways. This is very manageable in a new entrant classroom as we see a family member most days.
When a surprise issue comes up I use a version of the glad, sad, sure model but maybe in a different order. After they have shared an issue or we have worked out a solution to a problem, I always want to reassure them that I am really pleased (glad) they came and spoke to me so we could do something about it rather than them stewing on it and getting more upset. I also believe it is important to circle back and talk about what has happened since your first conversation to continue to build trust with the whānau and hopefully make future conversations more manageable.
And linking to module 5, listening to what they have to say and how they feel is key to moving forward. We may not always agree with their perspective on an issue, but that is how they feel based on their experience. How do they think we can move forward as a team? What happens next? It is a starting place to finding a resolution to an issue, or at least a next step.
Glad, sad, sure model – in the correct order…
I’m glad you came to talk to me about F finding his friends are too rough with him in play. I’m sad he feels this way at school. I’m sure we can work with the boys to identify safer ways to play and still have fun together.
Thank you for your response Anna which was very sensible and grounded. It must indeed be difficult to be presented with issues when you are at peak busyness such as immediately before school but it sounds as if you’ve developed some good strategies.
Kia ora koutou,
To be honest, I have had plenty of upset and angry parents approach me over the years, and I have developed my own kete of resources to deal effectively with raruraru. Primarily, I have learned to not take the ‘anger’ personally or seriously. I aim to listen to the message rather than the delivery. I always try to make the parents realise we are on the same page: “this is OUR child we’re talking about”. My motivation is always for my ākonga- our tamaiti- and I have found mātua respond positively to me when they realise we want the same thing- good things for the child. I have found that angry parents tend to be misinformed about issues/ events, and once they realise that accounts related by tamariki can be infallible/ unreliable, their emotions subside and we can be productive.
When meeting with potentially upset and angry parents, I ALWAYS offer a cup of tea or coffee. This helps put us on the same page, especially when I’m having a cuppa whether or not they are.
My personal challenge is approaching hoamahi when there is a conflict, versus people approaching me, as is the case in this video. I currently have a couple of “courageous conversations” to have with people, over very minor things, but I find I am taken out of context or don’t feel listened to because I don’t want to throw my leader weight around.
However, for the purpose of this mahi…
C told his mother that P M and J were being mean to him.
“I’m glad you came to tell me about this, I’m sad to hear the boys are being mean to each other, I’m sure we can solve this once I sit the boys down and have a conversation.”
Nā,
Damian
What a great response Damian. What you succinctly point out is that scaffolds such as that provided by the resources are great for people who don’t have years of experience in people management. Like you I have many ways of defusing including finding out who the people are that I’m dealing with, where they are from, connections etc and if you can find one tiny shared thing then the rest is easy.
That’s a really good point Geraldine, I sometimes forget that experience counts for something!
I really appreciate your approach, Damian. I can imagine your classroom as a calm and welcoming space for both tamariki and whānau.
Ngā mihi Lauren mo tau tautoko. I do hope my classroom is calm and welcoming, as this makes life easier for everybody.
I like your personal challenge Damian and I think I might make it mine as a few challenging situations have come up this term within the classroom and always good to go parents before they come in and diffuse things.