Due: 16th May
Ko te kai a te rangatira, he kōrero
The sustenance of chiefs is words
Conflict Resolution
Leaders are commonly judged on how they manage a conflict or crisis. Module 5 takes a closer look at conflict resolution with the goal of equipping leaders with a framework and specific strategies to best respond to and resolve conflict.
Below is the Thomas-Kilmann model of the five different categories of conflict resolution, as well as their advantages and disadvantages.
- Avoiding
Someone who uses a strategy of “avoiding” mostly tries to ignore or sidestep the conflict, hoping it will resolve itself or dissipate.
- Accommodating
Using the strategy of “accommodating” to resolve conflict essentially involves taking steps to satisfy the other party’s concerns or demands at the expense of your own needs or desires.
- Compromising
The strategy of “compromising” involves finding an acceptable resolution that will partly, but not entirely, satisfy the concerns of all parties involved.
- Competing
Someone who uses the conflict resolution strategy of “competing” tries to satisfy their own desires at the expense of the other parties involved.
- Collaborating
Using “collaborating” involves finding a solution that entirely satisfies the concerns of all involved parties.
To choose the best conflict resolution method in any given situation, you need to consider several factors, such as:
- How important your desires are.
- The impact on you or others if your desires are not served.
- The consequences of choosing to be more assertive.
- Whether a collaborative or cooperative solution exists.
Glad – Sad – Sure Model:
Provocation:
Describe a recent scenario where there was a conflict and frame up the de-escalation and resolution of this using the Glad – Sad – Sure Model (video above).
Example Response: Tony (fictitious name) misplaced his iPad on Friday afternoon. First thing on Monday morning an agitated parent arrives in your workspace/class just before the bell, full of accusations and demanding the missing iPad be replaced. I am glad… I am sad… I am sure…
Helpful Thoughts:
- Listen effectively.
- Identify specific points of disagreement.
- Express your own needs clearly.
- View conflict as an opportunity for growth.
- Focus on specific issues without generalising or escalating the situation.
- Keep accurate records of timing, interactions and correspondence.
- Following up is critical to ensure lasting resolution.
Whilst it is important to always keep the ‘issue’ not the person at the centre of the decision making process, it is important to note that we are often dealing with deeply personal belief systems and worldviews. Therefore, we must never lose sight of the fact that everyone is someone’s son or daughter, mother or father, uncle or aunty, etc. each deserving our respect and dignity throughout the process.
A helpful tool in evaluating our thinking before entering a conversation is the “Ladder of Inference” – See references below.
Resources:
Ladder of Inference – https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTMC_91.htm
Optional Resources:
https://www.academy.vic.gov.au/sites/default/files/2019-03/CaseStudy-OTL-Leadership.pdf
Dare to Lead by Brene Brown
Leading With Emotional Courage by Peter Bregman
Having Hard Conversations by Jenifer Abrams
Difficult Conversations by Harvard Business Review
34 Responses
As with all of us, I have had lots of courageous conversations with staff, students and parents. I often use a similar structure to glad-sad-sure.
Recently I had an incident with two students one had written ‘stupid’ on the other’s whiteboard and the response was that he hit her. These two students had had conflict in the past and we had involved the parents in discussions. However, on this occasion, after resolving the issue the girl went home and told her parents that she had gotten in trouble for him hitting her. The parent’s response was to phone and discuss with me.
On the phone, the parent proceeded to yell at me down the phone. Once they had finished, I thanked them for taking the time to discuss the issue with me and that I appreciated that this takes time out of their busy day. I then went on to explain how disappointed I was that both students had made unacceptable choices. I explained how I had dealt with the issue and how it had been resolved.
I could tell through further discussion that the girl had not been completely honest with her parents and once they knew all the facts they were also on board with both children’s behaviours being unacceptable.
A key way in which I resolve conflict with people is I focus on the behaviour – label the behaviour, identify that it is unacceptable, and find a way to change/fix/resolve. We have a phrase at our school – own it, fix it, make it right. I find if I am open honest and non-confrontational I get a more open and collaborative resolution to problems or conflicts.
Your responce to the parent yelling at you down the phone was very professional and your explanation was on point. Your keys to resolving conflict are excellent Jackie.
My scenario involves as a classroom teacher, having an 11year old boy who refuses to come to our school and my class. His reason was that it was because other students within class were misbehaving. He absolutely for this reason did not wish to come to school.
Later in the week his mother apparently arrived at school with the boy and left him outside my class and then left the school grounds.
I wasn’t able to talk with her.
This boy cried most of the day and would not take part or respond when asked if there was anything I could do to help.
At the end of another school day later in the week, his mother came and spoke to me personally about how her son did not want to come to school.
I reassured her, that my students were engaged, well behaved and that there were no incidents involving misbehaving.
I invited her to come the next day at a time that suits her and visit my class and observe her son.
However there was a no show on her part, but the boy did come to class.
Since then he has not missed a day at school and is happy and making friends.
Using the ‘Glad, Sad, Sure’ approach, it might look like this?
I’m glad you have come to see me to discuss your son’s reason, for not wanting to come to attend my class.
I’m sad that your son does not want to come to school and my class, because of what he says are students misbehaving.
I’m sure that we can work together to support your son and help him to feel safe and inclusive within this class.
I’m sure that if you come and visit my class at a time that suits, you can see first hand how his learning is taking place and how he is relating with others in class.
I was in charge of training and taking a small group of students to a competition. We won the competition and the students were given some money. The man organising the event said that the money was to pay for the transport for the teachers and students to travel to regionals. So he told us to collect the money from the students. After the competition, we used the money to book flights and vans for the next event (students and parents were advised). One of the parents emailed me saying she will book different travel arrangements as they are going to make a weekend of it. I told that student we would give her money to pay for her travel. Then mum emailed saying that her daughter was upset as the money given to her to pay for her transport wasn’t the amount given to her initially and she thought it was for her to keep. So this is where the tough conversation came in.
I did use a similar framework in my email but with different words.
I am glad you have emailed to clarify the intention for the money won at the event.
I am sorry that …… is confused about what the money was intended for. This is for the transport of all students and staff (including flights and taxis). We will give you some of that money to pay for _____ flights.
I’m sure ___ will understand the need to use the money so all her teammates and teachers can make it to the regionals!
I have a work colleague who I felt would often find the negatives in most situations. When things would need to be done, or if things changed year to year with different assessments or data input etc, it would really impact her and we wouldn’t hear the end of it. Although it really bothered me as I had a ‘OMG it just needs to be done so stop complaining’ approach, I knew I had to take a step back and try to see this from her point of view before having a conversation with her about it.
I went home and I wrote some notes about what it is that I could say to her. I set up a meet time and when we met I immediately felt her defense was up. I started our conversation with ‘thank you for meeting me today, I know how precious time is’ – which I think helped because there was less tension. I told her I had written some notes about what I would like to talk about which is why I had paper with me. I started the conversation with ‘I have noticed’ and went on to talk about the noticing’s of her negative views. I already had assumptions in my mind but was trying very hard to keep them in. After a while, I could feel she was more open to talk to me and told me why she was feeling how she was (not at all what I had assumed!) I didn’t use the glad, sad, sure in exact words but I feel like after being very nervous to go into the difficult conversation, there was a weight lifted from both of our shoulders that we had a chat.
I can see how ‘glad, sad and sure’ would work and it is definitely something to keep in my pocket as a tool in future! It is so easy to get flustered during a confrontation and not know what to say – but with the ‘glad, sad and sure’ there is a bit of wiggle room to pause the situation until some thinking time is obtained. I like it!
Excellent startegies Femeke. You handled a difficult conversation expertly.
I have not used these exact words during a ‘tricky conversation’ that I’ve had recently. I did speak to Geraldine about this particular situation which did help me to feel better about the conversation. Before needing to have this conversation, I took down some notes to support what I needed to say and agreed with the particular staff member on a time that we could have a catch-up. I approached the conversation with open body language and some tools (I pre-empted that she needed suggestions that may help as a beginning teacher) that this particular teacher could use in the future to avoid these situations from happening again. The following day, this particular approached me and admitted that she went home feeling deflated after our conversations but once she reflected upon our conversation she realised it wasn’t negative and that isn’t failing. She thanked me for the support and is feeling more confident within herself. She put suggested strategies in place and noticed a difference almost immediately.
If I were to use this framework, I could say:
“I’m glad that you felt comfortable expressing your concerns with me about the ongoing issues arising within your classroom.”
I don’t think I would use the word ‘sad’ but I would say, “I’m sorry that you feel overwhelmed by….”
“I’m sure that there are some strategies that you could begin to put in place to avoid these issues continuing in the future.”
That sounds great Wiki. These sorts of conversations do get easier over time but because you care so much they will always be high stakes. Her acknowledgment will have made you feel much better!
A student in my mentor class had her phone out during the lesson and I had to follow school procedures and take the phone to the office for the day. She got very upset and agitated and tried to refuse. Eventually she did the right thing, and it transpires that this was less about the phone and more about things going on for her outside of school, which a colleague uncovered. While I stayed calm, I need to have a conversation with her this week to repair our relationship, and to suggest she gets some support from careers or counselling.
I guess the approach is: I’m really glad you spoke to Ms —- on Friday and let her know what was going on for you after I took your phone. I’m really sorry things are difficult for you at the moment and that me taking your phone contributed to your stress. I’m sure that together we can come up with some strategies to support you over the coming months.
Yes nine times out of ten when we get an extreme reaction to an otherwise routine event then the real reason isn’t much about you. Our students don’t necessarily have the skills to make their own lives less stressful. Your proposed response sounds great.
On Tuesday, I had a conflict situation with a Year 4 student in my class. This boy is on the Autism spectrum and can be very challenging to deal with in a classroom situation – he can behave in a defiant, disrespectful and disruptive manner. I have been working very hard on our kaiako/ākonga relationship. Generally, he will (eventually) follow my instructions and classroom expectations, however, on Tuesday afternoon he was particularly defiant, even threatening, and I was feeling tired and overwhelmed. I asked him to leave the classroom for some time out, but he wouldn’t, so I placed my hand on his forearm and led him outside and ordered him to sit at the picnic table until he was ready to be a part of our class. He swore and gestured at me as I walked away. (Our principal intervened at this point and took him to a quite space to calm down – which he did quite quickly.) I am not proud of how I dealt with the situation overall and I am worried that I have damaged my relationship with this student. He was away sick yesterday but is here today and I feel like I want to heal our relationship somehow. Glad – sad (sorry) – sure has given me a framework to form my conversation with him at morning tea time (I’m on release today), in about 5 minutes. I’m going to say: I’m glad to see that you’re back at school and feeling better, I’m sorry that we got cross with each other on Tuesday, I’m sure that we can get back to working well together in class. I’ll let you know how it goes! (Apologies, Dave, that wasn’t succinct – but it felt really good to “talk” about what happened – thank you for reading my novel.)
So…I saw the aforementioned student in the playground. He greeted me before I greeted him which was a good sign. I said what I wanted to say (see above) and he said “Yes, sure” and then ran away to catch up with his schoolmates. Onwards and upwards!
Clare your care and love for your students is very obvious in that you are quick to want to heal a broken relationship. I love that you owned and acknowledged your part in it. Your glad, sad & sure responses were most appropriate.
Claire we all have situations that after we reflect on them we wished we had chosen another way. Great reflection time. Kids tend to forgive quicker than we do and we all start fresh each day.
Ngā mihi mo to awhi, Sheree. Thanks for your support.
Kia ora tatou,
although I haven’t had any recent situations to be able to use the model 1. Glad 2. Sad/Sorry 3. Sure model. I like the idea of this simple model that I can refer to in the future to de-esculate a situation quickly and create a safe supportive environment for all. Courageous conversations are something I need to gain greater confidence in to approach and participate in. Particularly in terms of my department and meeting expectations.
That you haven’t had a chance to use this model tells me that you have already established effective ways of defusing tricky situations. You have grown up believing that it’s important to be agreeable so therefore the whole idea of dealing with someone’s poor work or behaviour is one of the most difficult leadership challenges.
We have a new student at school who is struggling to fit in and make friends, She is lacking social skills to create new friendships so she tends to annoy others, pulls faces and is generally quite mean. We have had several parents give us feedback from their children that they are upset about the way she is treating them. The child has been working with our RTLB to support her with this and to support her classroom teacher who is a BT.
One parent has approached me with her concerns about this child and how it is effecting her own daughter is not wanting to come to school.
I could say, ” I am glad that you have brought this to my attention. I am really sad that your daughter is feeling like this and not wanting to come to school. I am sure that we can support both your daughter and the other student to find out more and give them both some strategies to deal with this.
Excellent Sheree, your glade, sad, sure statements are most appropriate.
This approach acknowledges that there is always more than one side to a story i.e. “find out more” & “give them both some strategies”. But also mum knows that you empathise with her daughter not wanting to come to school – she feels heard which I think as a mum is really important.
I had both parents of a girl come into the SSC very angry and upset in the morning. They had been shown a video of their daughter getting assaulted outside our school the afternoon of the day before. They were furious and were demanding to find the girl who attacked their daughter.
On confronting them, I quickly moved to calm them both down and get them away from the audience of both staff and students in the busy Student services area.
After a couple of calm requests to come and discuss this in my office they obliged.
The Father in particular was very agitated and he needed alot of reassurance that I would handle the situation.
I explained that I too had a daughter and if i had seen a video of her being attacked and rag-dolled to the ground outside the school, I too would be feeling angry, scared and protective.
I managed to remain calm and reassured them. I contacted the receptionist to locate his daughter and get her to my office. In the meantime, they explained that he was only recently out of jail and was on an ankle bracelet. I told him that we would deal with this matter and that I didn’t want him getting into any trouble by taking the matter into his own hands, I explained that the situation was also new to us, and on inspecting the video, I was able to tell him that the incident was at least half a Km from the school grounds after school.
Once the daughter arrived at my office they were calm and she broke down explaining that she didn’t want to worry them.
They took her home and I was quick to investigate and later reassure them that the assailant had been identified and also picked up from school.
I made a phone call to the victim’s family as soon as this had happened and I made sure they felt confident that the school was taking appropriate action. I advised them to report the incident to the Police but they were happy for the school to restore the situation.
Staying calm, reassuring them that we take any such behaviour very seriously, and staying in contact with them helped to resolve a potentially volatile situation.
I am glad that you came into the school to address this very serious incident. I am sad that this has happened to your daughter and it must have been very scary for her. I am sure that we can help to resolve this issue and keep your daughter safe from this situation escalating any further.
Perfect. That’s exactly what they needed to hear plus your actions of course.
Scary incident wasn’t it. The complications of the father’s life will have made it all so high stakes for him. You adopted exactly the right approach and they will feel comfortable approaching you in the future should they need to.
I had a parent come to me upset and frustrated that their son had not been involved in the first football practises of the season. This parent had actually failed to read communication and had not registered their child to play sport hence was not listed in a winter sports team.
De-escalation and Resolution of the above incident using the Glad – Sad – Sure Model
I am glad you have come to see me first about this situation. I am sad that you feel upset and that your son is missing out on sport. I am sure that when I explain things to the Sports Coordinator we can resolve this situation quickly.
Yes! De-escalation would have been key in this situation. I believe that this parent would have also felt heard, even if you couldn’t solve it for them right away.
A Mum was furious as she had to come and pick up her son due to his behaviour. As she left the school office with her son, she swore and threatened children who were in the office and said it was their fault and yelled out why they weren’t going home. These children were not involved at all with the incident involving her son. After school one of the Mums whose child was threatened came into school absolutely furious about what happened to her child.
De-escalation and Resolution of the above incident using the Glad – Sad – Sure Model
I am glad you came in to share your concerns about what happened to your child today. We spoke to all children who saw and heard what took place late this afternoon in the office and checked that they were feeling safe and OK, before they left to head home.
I’m sad that your child and the other children who happened to be in the office at the time, were wrongly blamed and spoken to like this, as this is never OK and not acceptable.
I’m sure that after filing our complaint directly with the Police, they will talk to the Mum to prevent such incidents happening in the future. Our priority is to ensure we provide a safe environment for all of our tamariki, staff and whānau. I acknowledge this incident should never had happened, and we must ensure we provide a safe and caring environment. Thank you for coming in to talk about this unfortunate incident. Please do not hesitate to let us know if your child requires any further support.
I would imagine it was so important to this parent that you acknowledged that this behaviour was not OK and that students’ safety is a number one priority. It sounds like you wouldn’t have had a chance to ‘front foot’ this one and talk to parents before their child did, leaving you with an additional tricky situation to deal with.
I rang a parent last week to let them know I had talked to her son (Ken) that day about his ongoing negative behavior towards a boy in my class (Bob). I was just ringing her to let her know that I have asked him to stay away from Bob during break times and the negative behaviour is to stop now and Ken had agreed to this. We talked about if it was to continue to happen we would have to have separate areas at break times that the boys would play in.
The reaction from the mother was very heightened. She went straight on the defence for her son, ending in her screaming down the phone at me, threatening her son may need to be removed from the school as he has done nothing wrong. The school is doing nothing about her son being bullied, and the conversation then went on as she told me about all the things happening to her son.
I could say
“I am glad you have brought this to my attention as this is the first I have heard about your son Ken being treated this way.”
“I am sad you are having to deal with this.”
“I am sure we can get to the bottom of the situation once Ken has explained what has been happening as we were unaware of these situations you are talking about.”
Sorayah, it is always difficult dealing with situations that may involve bullying as it is very subjective and emotive. I believe in this case your glad, sad, sure statements are very appropriate. Maybe include, when you will speak to Ken and feedback to his mother.
I currently have a student teacher called ‘Sandy’. Sandy came into my class a couple of days ago crying, saying she doesn’t have enough time to do what I asked her to have planned before her PPL comes.
I could say “I am glad you felt comfortable talking to me about this, I am sad that you feel pressured and stress about the PPL visit and the work requirements from UC, I am sure we could find sometime at lunchtime so I can help breakdown the requirements so they are achievable”.
I do have a question about the word ‘sad’. I feel as though this is putting too much emotion into the conversation, in reality, 90% of the time I do not feel sad about situations. Could this be changed “I am sorry that you….”
I do like, I am sorry that you feel… instead of Sad.
I agree – “I am sorry” is less emotive than “I am sad” but still demonstrates empathy.
I think this sentence frame is one that can definitely be made your own – and needs to be so it feels authentic to you when using it. Feel free to adapt as you wish, whilst leaving the core of it intact.